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We Don’t Need No Hataz, Just Pop-Psych!

June 20, 2008

Dear Vowel Movers, we often worry about your health. How are you feeling lately? Are you nervous, anxious and unable to sleep? Do you experience frequent dizzy spells, diarrhea, or anal warts? Sweatiness? Nausea? The feeling of losing your mind? A low (low low low) sex drive? Don’t waste your time webMDing these symptoms because we have the diagnosis: you are afraid of poetry. You suffer from a known phobia called metrophobia.

That’s a medical term which more or less means “poetry makes me crap my pants and also makes me not want to have sex as much.” Maybe you read LangPo too soon. Maybe your mother tied you up and beat you while reading Gertrude Stein. Like all diseases and afflictions, no one is sure what causes your fear of poetry; it could even have been a seemingly innocuous event–like reading Kurt Vonnegut. Whatever the case may be, something in your past forces your neurons to fire HELP everytime you hear slant rhyme.

And you can’t just ignore the problem; it doesn’t go away. This fear is deeply embedded in your subconscious thoughts so that everytime someone says, “Have you read the new James Tate book?” your throat closes up and tiny hive-welts start raising all over your arms.

But so long as the negative association is powerful enough, the unconscious mind thinks: “Ahh, this whole thing is very dangerous. How do I keep myself from getting in this kind of situation again? I know, I’ll attach terrible feelings to poetry, that way I’ll steer clear in future and so be safe.” Just like that metrophobia is born. Attaching emotions to situations is one of the primary ways that humans learn.

Just think, you could eliminate your fear of poetry using CDs and be the first person to write a testimonial about it. How 21st century is that? Additionally you can conquer your fear of death, fear of eating then vomitting, fear of beautiful women, fear of making phone calls, and your fear of anger!

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